Instead of waiting in her tower, Rapunzel slices off her long, golden hair with a carving knife, and then uses it to climb down to freedom.
Just as she’s about to take the poison apple, Snow White sees the familiar wicked glow in the old lady’s eyes, and slashes the evil queen’s throat with a pair of sewing scissors.
Cinderella refuses everything but the glass slippers from her fairy godmother, crushes her stepmother’s windpipe under her heel, and the Prince falls madly in love with the mysterious girl who dons rags and blood-stained slippers.
Persephone goes adventuring with weapons hidden under her dress.
Persephone climbs into the gaping chasm.
Or, Persephone uses her hands to carve a hole down to hell.
In none of these versions is Persephone’s body violated unless she asks Hades to hold her down with his horse-whips.
Not once does she hold out on eating the pomegranate, instead biting into it eagerly and relishing the juice running down her chin, staining it red.
In some of the stories, Hades never appears and Persephone rules the underworld with a crown of her own making.
In all of them, it is widely known that the name Persephone means Bringer of Destruction.
Red Riding Hood marches from her grandmother’s house with a bloody wolf pelt.
Medusa rights the wrongs that have been done to her.
Eurydice breaks every muscle in her arms climbing out of the land of the dead.
Girls are allowed to think dark thoughts, and be dark things.
Instead of the dragon, it’s the princess with claws and fiery breath
who smashes her way from the confines of her castle
and swallows men whole.
Star Wars Episode VII Gets Title and Main Character
After months of speculation and rumor the next episode of the Star Wars series finally has both a Title and a Main character. In a surprising move the writer has decided to move away from the Skywalker family and instead focus on a character that hasn’t had a chance to be a focus of the franchise yet.
"I was looking at the films" a writer/director of Star Wars Episode VII who wished to remain anonymous said "and I realized that there was a character that I loved that I hadn’t heard anything from for years. I am of course referring to the most beloved robot of the series: Gonk. The next movie will be called "Star Wars: Episode VII: In Gonk We Trust" and will focus almost the entire 4 hour run time on the most influential character in the Star Wars Universe. People don’t understand the impact made by Gonk, they think that he appears once, maybe twice in the series and that the only important thing he presents is the fact that droids have pain receptors in their feet. This is but one of the many truths and mysteries that Gonk introduces to us in the first movie of the new trilogy."
After that the anonymous Writer/Director who wished only to be addressed as “J.J.” looked around kind of nervously and said “But maybe I’ve said too much. I better not say anything else until I can reveal the titles of Episode VIII(Rise of Gonk) and Episode IX(Gonk, Gonk Gonk, Gonkgonk GONK!)(which will make more sense once people are more familiar with the Gonk language from the previous two films)”.
Though he wished not to reveal too much of the actual story line “J.J.” did say that Episode VII wouldn’t stay true to the standard Star Wars formula, simply because there was “too much story” to tell without flashbacks. This first film in the new trilogy would show how Gonk has had a hand(or rather a foot or Body since he/she is lacking in having arms or hands) in changing the universe as we know it. Who is responsible for introducing Lando Calrissian to Darth Vader? Who is responsible for getting Leia that Bounty Hunter suit? Who designed the Death Star? All these and more will be revealed to be the work of one small box shaped droid with feet that says “Gonk”, though the name of that robot might surprise you.(Spoiler: It’s Gonk!)
Not to be outdone by the Fox News Deck, last night Stephen Colbert introduced The Colbert Report Info News Veranda, complete with 38-story video climbing wall, feline media managers and TweetBot.
Click the gif to watch.
The box of kittens had me laughing FAR too hard.
THERE IS A MOVIE CALLED “MULTIPLE SARCASMS.” #cbbtour (at Petro-Canada)
I’m sure this movie is SOOOO GOOOOOOD.